29. Praying for daylight

29. Praying for daylight

For as long as I can remember I have had the same vision of my dream house.  A pale yellow, two story colonial with a wrap around front porch and white picket fence- an architectural style that can be found both in the north and south.  I would decorate the steps leading up to the porch with Americana banners in the summer and Christmas garland in the winter.

I love perusing the listings on Zillow to see if I can find my dream home for sale.  When the ground broke on the new homes down the street from me in Celebration, Florida, I immediately hopped online to look at the exterior designs and floor plains.  What I failed to consider each time I envisioned myself living in one of those homes is that I have not once spent the night alone in anything larger than my two bedroom condo.  I love living alone and not having to share my space with anyone.  In my 1,000 square foot, third floor walk up with an alarm, I felt totally untouchable.  In a four bedroom, two story house, not so much.

Recently, I spent a couple nights alone in a two story house.  Let me tell you how much I slept… zero!  I prayed for daylight to come.  Even though I turned on the alarm and the dog slept in my bed, uneasiness overcame me.  What lurked outside?  What creeped around downstairs?  I used to think that when I closed my eyes and took off my hearing aid I could escape harm.  See no evil.  Hear no evil.  When I’m surrounded by other people, I still follow this ridiculous theory, but when I am alone, my eyes dart to the doorway expecting to see a human figure waiting to pounce.  I suppose I could sleep with my hearing aid on, but I’m not quite sure adding creaking floor boards to my active imagination would lessen my fear.

So now you know one of the bullet points on my list of trepidations- the night.  I traveled Europe by myself; I endured numerous surgeries; I quit my job without a backup.  One would think I could handle something as simple as the dark, but I’ve never been much of a nocturnal being.  I prefer watching the sunrise over seeing it set.  The light of day holds so many more possibilities than the darkness of night.  My senses are in their prime when I can see my surroundings.  When I’m not alone, I don’t mind the night time as much.  It’s exhilarating walking through Times Square amidst the hustle and bustle of theater-goers.  Midnight movies with friends sound much more appealing than 10am showings with children.  Music comes alive when the sun goes down.  But sleeping alone in a large house makes me feel very vulnerable.  I like control.

Since I’m not planning to get married any time soon and I still prefer to live without roommates, my dream home search is switching gears to condos above the second floor.  Somehow the added height also adds cushion to my fear of the darkness of the night.  Maybe I’ve seen too many movies or watched too many crime shows, but as long as I live alone, I’m adding extra stories onto my ideal dwelling.  A couple of dobermans might not be a bad idea either.

“Praying for Daylight” –  Rascal Flatts

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