If you have been keeping up with my posts, you may have come to this realization- I’m not the settling type. There are some girls who were born to marry, breed, and be modern day June Cleavers. There are others who once ran free but eventually slowed their pace to match the world around them. Then, there are girls like me. We are the wild horses who refuse to be captured. If placed behind fences, we find ways to jump over, plow through, or go around them. We never accept the fact that we have been caged.
Settling is not an option for any aspect of my life including relationships.
Sometimes I feel selfish for putting myself above a relationship, but in the end I care more about living my life for me than for us. As an only child, I enjoyed time spent with my friends but in limited doses. I needed my alone time to decompress. I never had to worry about what “we” (as siblings) were doing. I did whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. For 31 years, it has always been just me. Anything else is foreign.
This selfishness is one of the reasons I’ve never been in a relationship. I have not met anyone for whom I was willing to compromise. I’d rather live my life alone on the windy, narrow, unexpected road than have someone keep me on the straight highway. Highways may get me to where I want to go faster, but those back roads offer picturesque sights I’d otherwise miss. Highways take me exactly where I intended to go. Back roads lead me to places I never knew existed, and offer the choice of continuing on to my intended destination or rerouting me to someplace entirely different.
I will not be tamed. I want to be that wild horse in the pastures beyond occupied land. I want to travel the world. I want to write. I want to spend countless hours in the middle of nowhere with my music and my camera. I want to go for early morning runs in silence. I want to live in all the places on my bucket list. I want to pick up and go on an adventure. Yes, I would enjoy doing all of this with someone but that someone has to be by my side, not leading the way or falling behind. I don’t want anyone pulling me in an entirely new direction, telling me I can’t, or holding me back. Nor do I want to do the holding back.
Someday I might find an equally untamed guy who can’t imagine letting go of his dreams either. Someone who’s eager to come on my journey while I tag along on his. That’s when I’ll compromise- when compromising simply feels like braiding two journeys together.
I’ll gladly run along side someone who is willing to jump the fences.